


Until the Bitter End

by maxtalkabout



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:28:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29862945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maxtalkabout/pseuds/maxtalkabout
Summary: Remus John Lupin and Sirius Orion Black were unquestionably different, but one thing they both knew was pain.In the far off mountains of Scotland, at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry five paths cross and change the fate of the entire world. Sorrowed by war, politics, trauma, family troubles, hatred, prejudice and, of course, love they try to survive and remember they are just kids.TW: parental abuse and trauma.Other warning will be applied, if needed, to  specific chapters.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Jily - Relationship, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, wolfstar - Relationship
Kudos: 1





	1. We Are Pleased to Inform You

_"We look at this world we got much to explore" - Keiynan Lonsdale, Good Life_

Remus' life was a peculiar one, his father had made it his mission to hunt down a very powerful and dangerous man, who slipped trough his fingers and became his family's undoing. In 1964 Fenrir Greyback destroyed the Lupin family, but not in the obvious way one might think, he didn't kill them, in fact, he didn't even touch John and Hope Lupin. He broke in during a full moon night, bit their 4 year old son and fled. Days later, when Remus' condition was undeniable, his father disappeared, leaving the boy to be raised solely by his muggle mother.

Since then his life had become stagnated, he had been home schooled, his mother had tended to his injuries and he spent all of his free time locked in his room, devouring one book after another. It was only in the summer of 1971 that the next big event of Remus' life happened and changed everything again.

It was a morning like any other, he thought, as he helped himself to another serving of porridge and his mother drank a large cup of coffee. The boy only notice his mistake when large owl flew in trough the window, his mother looked at the envelope she'd removed from the bird's leg and, trying to contain a smile, slid it across the table to Remus.  
He looked at the letter confused, he had no friends and no family to write to him, but the boy quickly recognised the crest in the envelope and his heart skipped a beat.

_"Dear Mr. Lupin,_   
_We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry."_

Remus reed the rest of letter quickly, sitting on the edge of his chair, as soon as he was done he went back to beginning, trying to catch a trick or figure out if his eyes were deceiving him. The boy was beside himself and could hardly believe what he was seeing, but after a few seconds of joy, his heart fluttered with doubts and insecurities. Maybe his name had been on the list since he was born, maybe Dumbledore didn't know he was a werewolf, maybe it had all been a mistake or worse, a terrible practical joke.

The boy, now hurt and disappointed, pushed the letter and the open envelope back to his mother and saw two pieces of parchment falling out. He picked them up from the floor and unfolded them in curiosity, he knew one was the list of things a Hogwarts student - which he was not - would need, but was the other one that interested him.

_"Dear Mr. Lupin_   
_I am aware of your very particular situation and write to you personally to inform that the proper arrangements have been made to safely guarantee your entire academic journey in this school._   
_Yours kindly,_

_Albus Dumbledore_

_Headmaster"_

A tear of joy ran down Remus' face and marked the parchment, he smiled wide and showed the note to his mother, who held his hand gently, looking at him with pride (and surprise).

"I'm happy for you my boy." She kissed his forehead softly and fixed his hair.

Hope Lupin was kind, she was a wonderful doctor and the only one in the small village they lived in, Remus had no doubt she loved him unconditionally, but since his father'd left he felt that a part of her had gone too.

She was more distant, she didn't tell him as many stories or sang him as many songs, but the thing that bothered Remus the most was the look she gave him thinking he didn't notice, the pitiful look, filled with the knowledge that he would never be anything in the real world, that he would never change anything, that he was destined to be someone she had to take care of. She didn't mind caring for her son, she really did love him, but she felt sorry that he had no social or professional future in neither the muggle nor the wizarding world.

Remus knew that too, that his future would be filled with no's and odd looks, - for mainly two reasons, though his mother knew of only one - but for a moment after reading that letter, he allowed himself to forget it, to dream, to believe that someday he could be more then somebody else's responsibility.

**~x~**

Number 12 Gimmauld Place had never felt like home to the heir to the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black, so one could only imagine the joy Sirius Black felt when his Hogwarts letter arrived that morning, allowing him to soon leave the intoxicating clutches of his dreadful mother and despicable father for nine months a year until he was of age.

Of course his only immediate apparent reaction had been an aristocratic nod and few polite words.

"When may we go buy my things?" he asked.

"Tomorrow" his mother replied drily.

Nothing else was said during breakfast as customary, his mother said the only use for small talk was politics, business and acquiring powerful allies and that things such as love and affection were waste of any great man's time, a weakness, an excuse, used by the ignorant to justify their lack of reasoning.

Later that day as Sirius laid in his bed, daydreaming about his newly granted freedom and feeling light with relief, someone knocked on his door.

"Come in Reggie." Sirius sat up, smiling widely at his little brother, he was the only person in that house that bothered to knock.

"You can't go" he pleaded, closing the door behind him and racing towards his brother desperately "You can't leave me alone with mother and father."

"Don't be upset little man," he pat his bed, calling his brother to sit with him "you'll be going soon enough too..." he pushed his hair behind his ear, trying to figure out what to say next "and I'll write every week, telling you all about my latest endeavours, so you won't get lonely, or worse" Sirius' voice went down to whisper as if he was saying something dangerous and forbidden "bored!"

The exchange had earned a smile from his brother, which was all he had really hoped to achieve. He didn't mention his brother being alone with his parents at all, there was nothing Sirius could do, so he chose not to give it much thought and Regulus hadn't brought it up again either, which allowed him to let go of his concerns regarding the subject for the time being.

Sirius Black had never loved his family - with the exception of his uncle Alphard, his cousin Andromeda and, of course, his brother Regulus - it wasn't something he felt guilty about or that he even thought about often. It had been like that for as long as he could remember, he didn't know what it was like to love them or to be loved by them.

Since he was a child he'd tried his best to be most different from his relatives as he could be, Sirius was in favour of everything his parents were against and against of everything his parents were in favour. His defiance came from all types of things, small ones, like eating porridge every morning because his mother thought it was incredibly disgusting and it looked like vomit and bigger ones, like saying "muggleborn" every time his parents said "mudblood" or hiding dungbombs around the house - which his parents had no idea how he got.

In spite of taking all that into consideration, Sirius had tried his best to behave according to his parents standards for the rest of the summer, - in an attempt to spare himself and, mostly, his brother from their unusual and scaring punishments - but he didn't see much of a result. He'd gotten the Severing Charm aimed at the usual spot on his leg by his father's uncontrollable temper more times then he could count and had been deprived of at least two meals a week for insubordination by his cold-hearted mother. Needless to say that by the time the 1st of September finally arrived he was more eager then ever to leave without looking back.


	2. He Smelled of Magic, Dogs and Winter

_"This is the beginning of our now & forever"- Keiynan Lonsdale, Good Life_

The platform 9 and 3/4 was overwhelming. The loud and various noises, the strong smell of magic and people and creatures and fumes made Remus' head spin, he had never been sorrowed by this many people before, up to that point his life had been restricted to his books and his mother. Hope had left him at the station wishing him a good ride and going to work, so he didn't have her to focus on. He looked for somebody else, a smell and sound he could direct all his energy towards to block out the rest.

As he walked up to the train a black haired boy caught Remus' attention, he stood quietly as his mother compulsively fixed his clothes. He smelled of magic, dogs and winter, his curly hair fell gracefully on his shoulders, his eyes a light grey that reminded Remus of a cold foggy morning, he was reasonably tall and his posture just perfect, he didn't slouch, but didn't seem too stiff. After a while of observing the boy, noticing his smells and the sound of his heartbeat Remus noticed something else, he was wounded, Remus noticed, he could smell the blood coming from his leg, the cut went from his hip all the way down to his knee, it made his heart sink a little in his chest, he wondered what had happened, but didn't say anything.

Remus sat on the train quietly, it was fairly empty as most people were still outside with their families. He could smell and hear the boy, but he couldn't see him, which was good, Remus thought, it felt less like stalking.

"I'll miss you Sirius" he herd, the voice came from someone younger, but with a similar smell, maybe a brother.

"I'll miss you Reggie" that was him, he sounded reassuring, like he had meant something completely different from the words he said, like a secret code only both of them could understand.

"Quit being pathetic and compose yourselves" Remus though that woman didn't sound like a very good mother, she didn't seem to care her son would be away for months and the boy seem a bit too eager to leave her.

While he had been distracted by the cold interactions of that so unloving family the platform started to seem more empty as the students got on the train and their families left the station and it wasn't long until Sirius said goodbye to his. What Remus didn't expect was that would come to sit in the same compartment as him.

"Hey there" he came in seeming and feeling much more cheerful then he had been a few minutes before "Sirius Black." he reached his hands towards Remus who shook it nervously.

"Remus Lupin" his voice was quiet, the smell of blood in the other boy's leg seemed to clutch at his stomach. He look at where the wound was and saw a drop of blood escape from under his trousers. "I think you're bleeding."

Sirius look down quickly searching for an excuse, but before he could speak Remus pulled a small vial from his bag handed over to boy with hesitation, the liquid inside was a shade of neon yellow and a bit translucent.

"It helps with healing and scaring," he explained "just rub it in, it doesn't sting much."

He obeyed Remus quietly, pulling up his trousers - after closing the compartment door and curtain - and exposing his wound. It was a precise cut, not very deep but surrounded by scar tissue, as if it had been made in the same place many times. The potion turned a dark shade of blue in reaction with the blood and hardened making something that looked like a plastic dressing.

"Thanks" Sirius handed the medication back, trying to think of something to take the attention away from his cut.

"Keep it." Remus insisted.

"Okay" he put the vial in his pocket and sighed. "Do you have any idea which house you'll be sorted into, if you'll keep family traditions?"

"I'm not sure," Remus thought for a while, he had been worried about so many things since he'd gotten his letter that the sorting hadn't even crossed his mind "maybe Ravenclaw," he wondered "or Hufflepuff." They were the house of the misfit he thought, took in the people everyone else had turned away "Besides, my mum is a muggle, so no traditions to keep, how about you?"

"Nobody really knows, but I doubt it'll be in Slytherin, so my family will disappointed regardless."

After the initial awkwardness they both spend the rest of the trip talking, they both understood the feeling of being disregarded by the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally. Remus told about his father who had abandoned him and his emotionally distant mother, Sirius talked about his hotheaded father, hateful mother and their blood driven prejudice.

Once they arrived at Hogwarts the conversation changed, Sirius started talking about bloodlines "The boy over there has to be a Potter" he whispered to Remus as they walked into the Great Hall "you can tell by the hair and the glasses. All of his relatives have been in Gryffindor for generations" he could smell it, - in the walls, the tables, the floors, in every inch of that castle, not just the people, - the magic, but he heard Sirius feverously, redirecting his sense of smell back to the boy. "The blond up ahead is my cousin Cissy, the only non black-haired person in our family."

"May the sorting begin" Dumbledore's voice echoed in the room and he turned to sit in his chair, McGonagall held a roll of parchment in one hand and an old brown hat in the other, she was standing next to a stool with her glasses on the tip of her nose.

"Edward Allen" a boy, walk out from the middle of the crowd and sat in the stool, allowing the professor to place the hat in his head, after a few seconds of dead silence it echoed.

"Ravenclaw!"

Remus didn't pay much attention as the list followed, his ears focused on Sirius' heartbeat. He noticed a changed when Narcissa Black was called up, he was afraid, but not half as much as her. She set up straight, looking calm and in perfect posture, but her heart raced and Remus could smell the sweat coming from her palms, for a second he even thought he could hear her mind yelling at the hat, - Slytherin, Slytherin, Slytherin - but it couldn't be, he dismissed it, believing it was imagination mixed with huger and exhaustion playing tricks on his mind.

"Sirius Black" he went up slowly, as in he was walking to his death. It took a while for the hat to decide and Remus felt bad for him, wishing he could stand in front of him and tell everyone to pay attention on something else.

"Gryffindor!" After a moment of shock the table to the far right erupted in cheers and Sirius walked over as if a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

Sirius had been right about the messy haired boy, his name was James Potter and he had been sorted into Gryffindor in less then 5 seconds. Remus waited and waited for his turn, the less people stood around him and made their way to the house tables the more nervous he became, there was a moment, between Lester and Lewis, he'd even considered the possibility of his name not being in the list at all, but McGonagall finally called him.

"Remus Lupin" he wasn't sure how he was supposed to walk, if was going too fast or too slow, if he was slouching too much or was too stiff, if he seemed too nervous or too indifferent.

The stool was to high for him and his feet lingered a few centimetres above the floor, he looked at Hall and wished to sink into the floor as every pair of eyes appeared to be glued on him. He found Sirius' eyes looking for something he didn't know what it was, but the other boy gave him an encouraging nod and Remus felt a bit of the tension leave his body. The Sorting Hat was too big for his small head and fell over his eyes, allowing him to see only the brown inside.

 _"Well, well, a lot of knowledge I see,_  
 _With this much wit and curiosity a Ravenclaw, you could be_  
 _But you have a secret boy, it is quite unique_  
 _And the Eagles would find out, if I may say, rather quick_  
 _Let me look in your head, see what I find_  
 _There is a lot of bravery and loyalty in your mind_  
 _Yes young man, there is a house where you will grow_  
 _If this is who you are, to Gryffindor you should go."_ \- The voiced echoed in Remus' head and he was certain he could feel something wandering trough his skull, like a child trying to find something in cluttered room. He didn't move for a while, waiting to see if the hat would say anything else, if you change it's mind again, but it didn't, instead it spoke "Gryffindor."

The lions irrupted in cheers and Remus felt himself grow red. As he walked towards the table he kept his eyes on Sirius, who looked at him gleefully. He was glad, in the end, at least he already had a friend in his house, someone he knew.

Remus and Sirius talked throughout the entire feast, they didn't pay much attention to their house mates, newly arrived or otherwise. The two boys were too overwhelmed by their new home, one where didn't have reminders of a painful life lurking around every corner, where they could make knew memories. Together.


	3. You Are Officially My Favourite Person

_"No, they can't control us" - Keiynan Lonsdale, Good Life_

Sirius and Remus had been assigned to share a room with James Potter and a short boy named Peter Pettigrew who had dark blond hair and was always nervous and slouching, with his hands stuffed in his pockets. They didn't talk on the way from the Hall, the four boys were too busy taking in the overwhelming amount of information, the shifting staircases and fake steps, which portraits could keep a secret and which ones liked to visit each other for a tea and some gossip or go tell the teacher about students' misdeeds.

Hogwarts was more then Sirius had expected, not just because it was big a full of magic, he was used to those things, but because he felt safe. His parents couldn't reach him there, no cutting or food deprivation. He knew that regardless of how much trouble he got into, and he knew he would get into a lot, no one there could hurt him the way they did, partially because they weren't his parents, so their hatred wouldn't hurt as much, but also because he didn't believe there was anyone as cruel. 

Once they got in the room it was James who broke the silence.

"You two know each other?" he looked at Remus and Sirius for a second before turning back and continuing to unpack his belongings. James and Peter were on the two beds on the left, aligned to the wall across the bathroom door.

"Met on the train." Sirius wondered if they looked that close, he admitted to himself he felt as if he'd known Remus much longer then he actually had, after all they talked about things he didn't expect to share with anyone "You?" He was laying on his bed, too tired to unpack and with no one to order him to.

"Our mums went to school together," Peter pulled a box of sweets from his trunk and walked to his night stand "we've known each other since we're kids. Fancy a chocolate frog?" He stretched his arm out towards the other boys with the box still in his hand.

"Are those dungbombs?" Remus disregarded the question when he noticed the strong scent coming from James' trunk who looked at him very confused, but was quickly distracted by Sirius exited reaction, running over to look at the pile Zonko's boxes.

"Wicked!" a smile painted across his face as if it were his birthday "Got any cool ideas yet?"

"Reckon I'll put some under the Slytherin table before breakfast" he nudged at Peter who smiled.

"It's a good idea if you fancy getting detention in the first week of school" Remus scoffed almost just to himself, focusing on organising his books in alphabetical order in the shelf next to his bed.

"Don't be such a buzzkill" Sirius sat in his bed, looking at the boy disappointed.

"I just mean you could come up with a better plan" Remus looked at the other boys, who didn't say anything waiting for him to continue, Sirius started to feel his body filling up with adrenaline "like using a Teleportation Charm and do it during dinner when we know the Hall will be full."

"One problem with your plan Lupin" James hid the dungbombs under his bed "we're only supposed to learn Teleportation Charms in second year."

Remus grinned, Sirius watched confused as his roommate picked up a book from his trunk and flipped trough it for a few seconds, he reed something while the others waited quietly, he closed the book and drew a cursive "e" with his wand.

" _Parvus Transvectio_ " one of the boxes from under James' bed materialised on Sirius' trunk with a spark and he ran to picked it up, checking to see if was real and if all the pieces were there "close proximity Teleportation Charm" Remus explained "Professor Flitwick has us using the same book trough First and Second Year, I reed it over summer." 

"Remus Lupin" Sirius turned around and walked over, placing one if his hands on the other boy's shoulder "you are officially my favourite person!" He received a tender smile back and felt a wave of heat turn his face red, which made him raise eyebrows and turn around, giving the dungbomb back to it's rightful owner "Right, I should start unpacking".

After they were done, the four pranksters spent the rest of the night discussing the details of their new prank and laughing, too exited to fall asleep. After sometime Peter opened a box Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans which pushed sleep further away from their minds.

By midnight Sirius was tired, he could feel himself drifting away for a while, looking at the stars outside, but not really seeing them until someone knocked something over or laughed a bit louder and his attention was dragged back to his friends. His eyelids were heavy and his right thigh throbbing from sitting too long on the same position, but it didn't matter, it was fun and freeing. Laughing late at night with no parents to hex him for enjoying himself. 

**~X~**

Truth was he didn't know when he'd feel asleep, he only remembered Remus waking him up with a whisper. "You should go lay in your bed if you want to able to walk in the morning" he obeyed, too tired to argue or worry if his other friends were still on the floor, but woke up the next day in his wrinkled uniform with the sound of the shower running. 

He got up and looked around feeling a bit lost, a mixture of exhaustion and the weird sensation of waking up in an unfamiliar place. It took him a few seconds to remember he was in Hogwarts, in the Gryffindor Tower to be exact, he saw Peter laying on the floor, drool coming out of his mouth and dripping on the carpet and James sitting against his trunk with his head supported by a pile of pillows, both still deeply asleep.

Sirius heard a click as the bathroom door swung open, Remus came out in his uniform and stopped, surprised by the half asleep boy.

"I tried getting them to go to bed," he spoke in a normal tone, unafraid to disturb his friends "but I reckon they wouldn't have woken up if I'd thrown them out of the window."

"At least they don't snore." Sirius laughed "What's the time?" he rummaged trough his trunk for a fresh set of clothes.

"Seven thirty" Remus went over to his bed and put his pyjamas neatly under his pillows, he was very organised, Sirius noticed, all of his things were placed carefully as if part of a system he couldn't quite understand. 

This wasn't to say he was messy, Sirius liked his space to look tidy, but he would often trow his sleepwear over his sheets or leave books and trinkets piled on his night stand. Unlike James who hadn't put any of his things away, just pulled them out of his trunk and thrown the over or under his bed. Peter was in between all of his clothes were wrinkled and stuffed together in his drawers.

Sirius went into the bathroom to have a shower and was very surprised to see James and Peter awake when he got out, Remus sat on his bed with book which he didn't stop reading until the four of them were ready to head down for breakfast and that, amongst many other things, would become on of their traditions. 


	4. Sirius Enjoyed the Sound of Remus' Laughter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: panic attack

_"Cause this right here's the time we remember" - Keyinan Lonsdale, Good Life  
_

When the time for dinner finally came, after a long day of anticipation, it took the four boys all of their will not to laugh before the prank had actually been set off. Peter kept stuffing his face with food to stop himself from being to expressive and James and Sirius shook their legs uncontrollably under the table which Remus kindly interrupted with a kick.

"Ouch" Sirius looked at him with disbelieve.

The rest of the students, unaware of what awaited them, talked and laughed loudly, enjoying the various dishes magically presented in front of them. Lily, Dorcas, Mary and Marlene, four first year Gryffindors who had, much like the boys, become friends over night, seemed to have an unending list of things to talk about, comparing notes on how the muggle world was different from the magical one.

"If you can't get yourselves together and wait" Remus whispered impatient, trying not get the attention of the girls sitting next to them "we should just do it now."

"Please" begged Peter "I don't know how much more food I can stomach." The boy had refilled his plate a few times already and Sirius reckoned he looked a bit green. 

After Remus gave the order the four of them cast the spell in perfect synchrony, only a few seconds later the doungbombs previously hidden in their bags had exploded under the Slytherin table, releasing a retched smell that made all of the snakes get up quickly and run as far away from the table as they could.

Sirius was sure he saw Remus frown for a second and wondered if he could smell the bombs all the way across the Hall, but he quickly started laughing, taking the other boy's attention away from his speculations. He saw his cousin Narcissa sniffing her blonde hair to see if it caught the smell and felt a bit sorry, but soon after his eyes fell on Bellatrix, only a few years older, looking furious, yelling one blood related cuss word after another and he was hysterical, Sirius couldn't contain himself as the students across the Hall cursed and ran to their dorms to wash the dreadful smell off themselves.

Most of the castle had found the whole situation quite amusing, as the boys could still hear laughs and comments on their way up to the Gryffindor Tower. The four of them sat in front of the crackling fire to enjoy the sound of their victory.

"You're quite the mastermind Lupin." James held out his wand, mimicking the movement of the spell they'd just used, remembering the thrill he'd felt in the moment "Got any more wicked plans in that head of yours?"

Sirius enjoyed the sound of Remus' laughter, he didn't know what it was like to have friends up until then and he could easily get used to the feeling, he had allowed himself not to worry about his brother since he'd gotten to school and he knew it was a matter of time until the guilt of it washed over him, but he didn't let the knowledge bother him, instead he sat back, laughing with his friends and figuring out the best ways to use all the prank items James had brought.

**~X~**

It was late when Sirius walked up to the Owlery, he enjoyed the castle at night, it was quiet, he could hear the snoring from the portraits inside the castle and the rustle from the trees outside. He wanted more then anything to be able to tell his brother about the prank in person, to sneak into Regulus' room after their parents had gone to sleep and tell him all about the school, the food, the magic, even the classes.

He wanted his brother to be there with him, he wanted not to be afraid of what their mother and father could be doing to Regulus without his antics to distract them, but that letter was all he had. His kind words and funny stories were the only things he could give his brother now that they were in different sides of the English border.

He stood there for a while, watching as his owl flew away, he wondered if they felt as free as they seemed, if he would ever know the feeling of freedom hitting his face, if his brother would. But what if the never did?

Dwelling in what ifs was nice at first, but after some time Sirius started to feel his chest tighten and possibilities felt like worries. Suddenly, he couldn't breath, the air filled his lungs, but there was no oxygen in it, every part of his body was shaking and cold sweat broke trough his palms, he sat on the floor as his legs weakened. Sirius loosened his tie and undid the first fer buttons of his shirt gasping for air, he was so distraught by his own state that he didn't notice someone else had walked in the Owlery.

"Sirius?" Remus ran over to his friend who leaned against the dirty wall in distress. He kneeled beside him, the older boy ran his hands through his pants desperately trying to dry the sweat. "Just listen to my voice and do as I say," he put all his effort into following the command, even though his thoughts ran through his mind in full speed "inhale in four" he obeyed "one, two, three, four. Hold for four," Sirius felt every part of him screaming that there was no point, but he kept following his friends instructions "one, two, three, four. Exhale in four, one, two, three, four."

They sat there for a while, breathing in and out together in counts of four before Sirius calmed down, but even after that they didn't talk, he watched Remus get up and attach a letter to one of the school's owls releasing it and then sitting back down.

"How did you know to do that?" Sirius pulled down his wand, running his thumb over the engravings.

"My mum's had those since I was kid" he looked down at his feet, the light from the almost full moon created shadows on his face "I have them too sometimes, panic attacks." Sirius never heard someone sound understanding and informative at same time before.

"D'you reckon it'll happen again?" Remus shrugged.

When they got up to their dorms James and Peter were still asleep, Sirius went into the bathroom first he watched himself in the mirror, he'd scratched his neck trying to pull out his tie. He took the small vile from his bathroom cabinet and rubbed the content in the cut on his leg, it hadn't looked that good in years. 

Remus was reading a book in his back, but got up quickly when his friend came out of the bathroom. At the end, they both fell asleep within a few minutes of laying in bed, it had been a long night after all,


	5. Great men don't abandon their children

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: detailed description of Remus's transformation

_"Why deny my nature? /I can't escape it" - Rhythm and Music_

When Friday rolled the initial fuzz of being at Hogwarts started to die down and the reality of student life began to kick in, that morning over breakfast Remus made a point eat less then usual and when his friends asked what was wrong he responded he was feeling ill. 

The reality was quite different, with this little time before the full moon he felt stronger then ever, like there was twice the among of magic in his blood, but by the time night fell he would need his friends to believe he was sick enough to need to stay in the Hospital Wing throughout the weekend.

Their last class was potions and Remus, who had already reed the book over summer knew he it was not his favourite subject. Professor Slughorn was a relatively short man, he seemed young and kind, which was a contrast in the dark and damp classroom. The students became silent in synchrony once he walked in, putting something in his pocket.

"Welcome everyone, welcome." he smiled, scanning the room quickly, looking for something "Very well, I'm Horace Slughorn and I will be teaching you potions" he scratched his head, as if he didn't know what to do with himself. "Can some one tell me what this is?" he held up a small flask in his left hand so everyone could see it. Remus raised his hand and the professor nodded, giving him permission to speak.

"Swelling Solution" he responded, remembering the picture in his book.

"5 points to Gryffindor. Very clever Mr.--" Slughorn looked at the boy for a second as if his name could be hidden somewhere.

"Lupin, Remus Lupin".

"Lupin, yes." he walked closer, to speak to the boy directly "I taught your father, he was in Ravenclaw." Remus hated to think about his father and deeply wished the professor would stop talking about him "Quite clever that one, one of my best students yet and may I say he didn't disappoint after graduation," he'd never heard nice things about his father, John Lupin didn't deserve to have nice things said about him "got a good job in the ministry from what I hear, helping people like he used to do at school, he's got a caring heart." Maybe it was the full moon waiting to rise that night, but his patience wore thin with every word, his blood rushed to his face "Great man that's what he is."

"Great men don't abandon their children" Remus stood up grabbing his belongings "My father doesn't deserve any praise, how can you say someone is caring if they didn't bother taking care of their own child?" he stormed out, leaving the classroom in an uncomfortable silence.

The Gryffindor Tower was quiet in the middle of the day, which Remus thought was rather nice, he walked up to his room and pushed the window open, sitting next to it to watch the sky outside. He grabbed a book from his shelf, but ended up not reading it, instead he daydreamed, it was a habit he had for as long as he could remember.

He liked to imagine a better life, one without the pain he had to endure and the secrets he had to keep. These dreams were his favourite escapes, sometimes they would take place inside his books and he would be a prince or knight or someone in an epic love story. He would lose himself in his own mind and forget complacently about time. 

In the middle of the afternoon the Tower started to fill up with students and Remus jumped when his roommate slammed the door open.

"There you are" Sirius rushed in sitting across from his friend in the bay window "Are you alright mate? Slughorn is a right git, but what else could you expect from the Head of Slytherin?"

"I don't want to talk about it," he scratched his head, putting the book back on the shelf "My head hurts."

"Sorry Lupin"

They sat in silence for a while, the truth was that Remus did want to talk, in fact, he wanted to scream. The anger from that morning's exchange still rattled inside him, he could feel the wolf trying to crawl out of his skin and his head throbbing more and more. 

"Maybe you should go to the Hospital Wing" Sirius spoke quickly, half stumbling trough his words once Peter and James walked in the room.

**~X~**

The shack was more spacious then the closed off basement in his house which Remus thought the wolf would appreciate, he looked around the room drawing all of its details with his eyes as he waited for Madam Pomfrey to leave.

He grew hotter the closer the moon got to rising and began to feel his thoughts merge with the growls of the wolf but it was as the fist beam of silver light presented itself that he felt his skin starting to melt like candle wax, reshaping itself to fit the new form his body was taking. His bones began to crack under the pressure of the moon magic, cutting trough his flesh like paper. The organs inside of him fought with each other, growing and shrinking to find a place in the new body. 

After what it felt like the most agonising hour of his life the wolf was in charge and Remus' consciousness was finally able to rest, being pushed into the back of their shared mind. It didn't matter how many full moons he'd gone trough, it always felt odd, sitting in the back of his own brain with no control over what was usually his body. It was like looking trough a window covered in fog and he couldn't ever clean it, he also felt tired as if the wolf wanted him fall asleep and stop trying to fight back, but he was too afraid of it to relax, to afraid of himself.


End file.
